X Factor Until We Meet Again Stay Safe My Friend

maio 19, 2022 Postar um comentário

Later 17 years of marriage (no kids), my wife told me she would like to open our marriage. This would mean allowing each other to slumber with other people. She says she has been doing a lot of reading near it and has a piece of work friend who is in an open human relationship and information technology works for her. I am outraged past the suggestion as I feel it is a major threat to our marriage. I love and value my wife way too much to allow her to have sex with other men. I know that I would be extremely jealous and could not handle it. She says it would exist "just sexual practice," we would make the rules in advance, no feelings involved. It sounds so unproblematic but I am not sure that is how it works. My wife says she has thought about it a lot and she thinks she could handle me having intimate relations with another woman. She says the way she would approach it is with total honesty and communication to make certain anybody feels OK about it. She says that either ane of us would accept veto power. I don't desire to slumber with other women, believe it or non. I don't want to have to wield veto ability! I just don't become why she feels like she wants to do this. She says the idea would be to just "spice things up" and "go along things fresh" and that she thinks information technology could ultimately bring usa closer together. Nosotros have a keen sex life, which I think she would concur with. I'thousand so bewildered by this. I feel like my options are: (1) reject to play along and hope she can respect that and stay happy and faithful; (ii) pursue a divorce; (iii) permit her to play outside the marriage while I stay true; or (4) both of united states of america endeavour it and hope for the best. Is couples therapy another option? I think I would find information technology humiliating to tell some other person most this, and it might non even assist anyway. —Open up-Concluded
Dear Open-Ended,

Thanks for your question. I can but imagine your bewilderment and confusion; things are bustling along fine and suddenly, out of nowhere, your wife is asking you to play the "keys in the bowl" game from the 1970s. Information technology sounds like you have a strong marital connection and are completely taken aback past the question, which is understandable. I would experience the same in your shoes.

Here is the key quote, far as I'grand concerned: "She says information technology would exist 'just sex activity,' we would make the rules in advance, no feelings involved. It sounds so simple but I am not sure that is how information technology works." Frankly, I'1000 not sure that it works, flow. To my listen there is no such thing as "merely sexual activity." We westernized, Cartesian types seem to think we can neatly separate mind and torso, simply this is a conceptual fantasy that I think has to be done away with. Emotion is irreversibly intertwined with every facet of our being. Even being extremely intellectual has emotional overtones; lack of emotion (coldness, sternness, etc.) is itself an emotion or impact, as we say in psychology. This "no feelings involved" doesn't make sense considering clearly your married woman is expressing some desire (i.e., a feeling) for a new sexual experience. The question is, why?

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Because of the intensely concrete nature of sex, nosotros tend to think of it as outside the spectrum of the day-to-day relationship—its own special category. I find, though, that the couples who relate together mate together. Sex is on a continuum that includes the mundane interactions of paying bills, housework, schedules, and and so on. It puts besides much pressure on a couple to take a somewhat routine existence drained of spontaneity and playfulness then expect sparks in the bedroom. My hunch—from a distance, of class—is that your wife feels something is missing and wants to get outside the relationship to find information technology. Why is that? What is she not finding betwixt the two of you that she needs to accept such an emotional risk of bringing another partner into it? And it is a gamble, no matter what anyone says. Sex involves desires that are unconscious, and the latter is always a wild card (which is part of sexuality's exciting appeal). Of course, my attitude would be dissimilar if yous were in favor, merely you're apparently strongly opposed.

Are in that location ways in which she can express some of those desires with you lot? Is she afraid of hurting your feelings by not saying something or making a request for something new? Is this request for openness a round-well-nigh way of expressing dissatisfaction? Are there means you two can "milk shake things upwardly" a bit in the romance and sex department? A weekend abroad, a dance class, a vacation, a little role play? Is there a office of her she wants to permit out but is agape? (Non to be cynical, only I virtually wondered when I read your letter of the alphabet if she already had someone in mind.)

Y'all might desire to have a serious talk with your married woman or even seek some couples counseling to assist her sympathize how unhappy this idea is making you, and how rattled and bewildered you are in calorie-free of it. I think you owe it to yourself, and the union, to do all you lot can to effort and seek together, rather than separately, a solution or compromise that allows you both to find satisfaction; you have that rare successful matrimony that has endured for many years, and that is definitely worth protecting. Information technology would be tragic for information technology to slip abroad due to lack of understanding or withheld feelings or desires. Cheers again for writing.

All-time,
Darren

Darren Haber

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT is a psychotherapist specializing in treating alcoholism and drug addiction besides every bit co-occurring issues such as anxiety, depression, relationship concerns, secondary addictions (peculiarly sex addiction), and trauma (both single-incident and repetitive). He works in a variety of modalities, primarily cognitive behavioral, spiritual/recovery-based, and psychodynamic. He is certified in eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, and continues to receive psychodynamic training in treating relational trauma, including emotional abuse/neglect and concrete and sexual abuse.

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